happy crumbs.

so what’s bringing me joy lately?

watching my favorite show in bed.

any other hart of dixie fans out there?

any other hart of dixie fans out there?

my crockpot. still.

beef and brew stew--the perfect excuse for a guinness!

beef and brew stew–the perfect excuse for a guinness!

random weekday brunches with this girl.

comet cafe: the strongest coffee in the world.

comet cafe: the strongest coffee in the world.

ugly sweats.

pardon the sexiness.

pardon the sexiness.

running.

two days ago it snowed?

i got to wear shorts in november!

this view.

because...seriously.

because…seriously.

 

it truly is the simple things.

to be known.

so here’s the thing that exhausts me about dating: i just want to be known. this post from Whitney at sometimes, always, never really struck a chord with me because i do believe that’s the root of my loneliness.

my friends know me. i strive to let my family know me. but with guys? it’s been a long time since i’ve had that feelings.

as has been discussed, i was kind of an ugly duckling in high school (and let’s be honest, college too). or at least it felt that way. i was so caught up in my own insecurities, comparing myself to everyone around me, i didn’t really even have the space of the awareness to think about guys other than how i must be pathetic since i was the only girl in the world without a boyfriend (the fact that this is false is beside the point).

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then in college i fell in love for the first time. and man, did we fall. it was amazing.

i had never been that truly open and myself around someone. he made me feel so safe, and we were so in love. but we were also 19 and 20, and it was the first serious relationship either of us had ever had, so we didn’t quite know how to act. we didn’t know how to communicate, and we didn’t know how to fight. also, we were kids (i say from the ripe old age of 25) and we didn’t even know what we wanted from like individually, let alone together.

so it fell apart, which is definitely more than ok. the fact that i wanted to be married to him by now gives me the general feeling of WTF.

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since then i’ve learned a lot about who i am, gained a lot of confidence and started to really come into my own. i strive for authenticity in my relationships and pride myself in my honesty. i am definitely not perfect, but i am happy being me.

but then there’s boys.

it’s such a weird game, because attraction is SO important, but i wasn’t raised to think about my appearance at all. it’s incidental. it’s a product of genetics and modern hygeine. i dress for myself, and yes, i’m sure my fashion choices are informed by society’s idea of what is traditionally and attractively feminine, but i’m definitely not seeking external validation.

and the fact that i can hold a conversation? also not interesting to me. in lieu of indulging a sense of vanity, my parents focused on cultivating my (super weird) interests, and helping me become an intellectually confident and curious person. when i was growing up, it was a rare occasion that the encyclopedia britannica didn’t get referenced at least once during dinner.

so to me, these things are basic, inevitable, and pretty much just not that remarkable.

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what i want someone to see and to know and to love is how i clap my hands and jump up and down when i get excited and how i’m either super productive or super lazy, and nothing in between. how i tear up when i see lost cat posters and freaking love ken burns documentaries. and how my voices changes when i’m sad or angry or anxious.

i want to be truly known.

but to get to that point you have to go through the motions–you have to meet. and go on a first date. and a second date. and a tenth date. you have to catch each other’s eye and then talk about your careers and where you went to college and your favorite tv shows and all that other necessary foundational small talk. and you also have to be vulnerable and trust that it’s ok to take this other person into your life and give them the capacity to hurt you.

the last guy i dated ended it because he wasn’t, or couldn’t be, authentic with me. i guess i’m still grappling with that, because i just don’t get it. he wanted to be someone i liked more, because i guess he didn’t realize that i liked him. and just wanted to know and be with him. it just seems so unfair that he got to see the real me, and didn’t offer the same thing in return.

so what does this all mean?

i’m not sure of that myself, but i guess right now, at this moment, i’m just a little sad and a little lonely.